I'm Sory Matt Walsh

This story is shameful and true.

I have a crush on H. Jon Benjamin. The voice of Ben Katz from Dr. Katz, John McGuirk from Home Movies and countless other hilarious animated roles. He’s the random medic in “Not Another Teen Movie”, and the crazy friend Keith in “Martin and Orloff”. There are no more than 6, no fewer than 3 men I would totally make out with in a heartbeat, and he’s numero uno. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about dating or courtship or love any of that stupid crap. Just having some drinks, having some laughs peppered with a few awkward pauses, and then a heated make out session in the bar’s bathroom. I get to fulfill a weird fantasy of mine and he gets to make out with an awesome babe. Everyone wins.

Life keeps us apart however – he has a baby (and thusly a baby mama. drama. [oh, snap!]). I’ve got a great guy that will eventually be my baby daddy, and before you get all antsy in the pantsy, he’s got a list too. If Amy Sedaris walked up to him and said “Let’s make out.” I’d say “Touché Amy Sedaris. Have fun!”. Then I’d tell everyone that I totally made out with someone who made out with Amy Sedaris. We’ve both given each other clearance for making out, so long as it’s only making out. Make out = yes. Gentiles = no. Boobies = we’ll see.

Where Matt Walsh of Upright Citizens Brigade fame comes into this, is here: I was trying to find a copy of Martin and Orloff because of my afore mentioned crush on H. Jon Benjamin. I tried the Virgin Megastore AND Amoeba at Sunset and Vine, which says a lot since I never, ever, never, never, ever, ever, never go into Amoeba unless it is an emergency. This was an emergency. I have my reasons for disliking Amoeba and will discuss them some other time. The movie, sadly, was nowhere to be found. I had an idea. My idea was to go to the UCB theater on Franklin and buy it there. Why not support the very institution that fathered such a great movie? Brilliant!

When I got there the door was open, but nobody was around. At all. Even a little. Totally empty. I could hear voices in the way back, but that was at the end of a very long hallway and I assumed they were doing something back there, I didn’t want to interrupt. The movie was on the counter, H. Jon at last! But I only had a credit card to pay for it. All I had to do is wait for someone to come out and take my money. And so I waited. And waited. And waited. And waited. And…what the fuck? I wanted to do was pay for the movie and get out of there. The movie had dust on it for Christ sake, I’ll give it a good home where it will be watched compulsively. More waiting followed, I became desperate.

With a quick check of video cameras (Ha, who am I kidding, this is UCB!?) the movie was in my pants and I was out the door. I figured that any comedy team who has revealed a 4 foot phallus on Good Morning America couldn’t get too pissed about missing one copy of their movie. I told myself that they must have boxes and boxes of DVDs in some storeroom. Somebody will eventually notice that it’s gone, blame somebody else in the theater (it’s the freshman, those no good new people! I knew they were thieves!), go grab another copy from the storeroom, put it on the counter, and all will be forgotten.

This story has a happy ending – I have since given the movie a loving home. It has not been scratched or chipped, it has been watched diligently, studied, and appreciated. Laughed at all the appropriate times, revered at all the other times. I still feel bad about steeling it though. So Matt Walsh, if I ever meet you in person, I owe you $20. And for the love of God, either lock that door or put the boxes out with no disc in them. You actors are such suckers.